Connecticut Is for Lovers

My name is Gene Maudlin and my home base is at my pseudonym place, Old Horsetail Snake Tales.> I am here today because the hostess, my buddy Whizzer, is still in bed. She has entrusted me with the keys to the kingdom of her Internet site. She expects me to entertain you. Somehow, I feel like this is not going to work out. Hold on a sec....

No, she says, I am to stay out of the bedroom. (I would really like to get in there.) Have you ever seen a picture of Whizzer? She is some purty. Here's a picture of her. She says she has been having men trouble, which is hard to understand because she's also very bright and kind, and a disco party nut.

It seems to me that anybody who lives in Connecticut, like she does, would not have trouble with men. Their State Animal is the Sperm Whale, for God's sake. Everybody knows sperm whales = horny. It's sorta like that in Akron, Ohio, which is the rubber capital of the USA and is famous for makin' Trojans in nonreturnable six-packs. Used prophylactics are not as sexy as sperm whales but they is a lot easier to throw away.

Whizzer used to live in Florida. There is nothing in Florida except sunshine and hurricanes. Oh, and beach parties at Fort Lauderdale, courtesy of Akron, Ohio. But she now lives in a teeny town in the State of Connecticut, about which I know plenty. For instance:

The State Flower of Connecticut is the Mountain Laurel and Hardy
Hartford, the State Capital, was named for an insurance company
The State Insect is the Praying Mantis because Connecticut is uptight with Rhode Island and nobody wants to piss off old Roger Williams and his religion buddies over in Providence.

Nathan Hale is the Official State Hero. He's the one who had only one regret, that he had only one life to give etc., la de la. Most kids don't get it unless you put it in language they can understand: "My bad I don't give it up but once for Sam."

Connecticut has a Dinosaur State Park. This is a ripoff. In Oregon, where I live, if somebody says Crater Lake National Park, you expect to see a lake, and by damn you do indeed see a lake. If somebody says Oregon Caves National Monument, you expect to see some caves, and by damn you do indeed see some caves. If you go to Connecticut to the Dinosaur State Park you expect to see some dinosaurs. There aren't any. Connecticut can fuck off for my money.

On the other hand, I would love to live with Whizzer. Maybe I can get her out of Connecticut. We can meet halfway, like, in Akron.

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My favorite word today is athlete. N., moving right along. Def.: One who will take 3 or 4 steps upward on the escalator.