Update: Letter sent

"Mother-in-Law" is a pschologist. After having thought about it, I suspect her actions were likely based on some ridiculous psycho-bullshit theory she read or heard concerning children of absent biological parents. I sent her this letter today.


I'm not sure if you know this, but I was adopted as an infant. When the kids were both very young, I sent a letter and a photograph to the adoption agency that handled my adoption, asking that they forward it to my biological mother. Being a new parent made me wonder what it must have been like for her all those years. The agency wrote back saying that they were unable to do that. They did, however, offer to do a search to locate her to see if she'd be willing to communicate with me. I had to be interviewed by a psychologist to ascertain my motives and the search took over a year. The end result was that she wanted no contact. I'm telling you this to illustrate that I understand the curiosity concerning an absent biological parent. I've always told Daughter that I would help her if she wanted to contact Bio-Dad at some point.

I'm sure your son ("X") has told you that I am highly upset and offended that you provided Daughter information concerning Bio-Dad's whereabouts without so much as discussing it with me. You don't know all the facts. You may have put us in serious jeopardy by allowing Daughter to pursue this venture independently, without giving me the opportunity to first prepare her for what she was getting into. X probably did not completely express the problems we had years ago with Bio-Dad. He may have been embarrassed to admit he was involved with a divorced woman with a mentally unstable ex-husband. I'm sure you were aware that I had to get a restraining order against Bio-Dad. He stalked me (and X to some extent), leaving threatening notes and long rambling letters.

He no longer has that business you told Daughter about. It was one of dozens of odd-jobs and get-rich-quick schemes he has pursued over the past twelve years. According to Daughter, he's not held a steady job in all that time. He told her he likes the freedom to change his mind and follow his whims, wherever they take him. He's a 61-year-old, mentally-unstable drifter who is now clinging to Daughter in a frightening way. She told me last night that he emails her incessantly and most of his emails are nothing but bragging about himself. Two nights ago, she wasn't feeling well and didn't check her email after dinner. (She had checked it earlier.) She didn't respond to one of his messages until the following day, by which time he'd emailed again in a panic that it was taking her so long to respond. She can't figure out if he's ultra-conceited or ultra-insecure. I think she may regret having contacted him already, but she feels trapped. I feel frightened. Thanks to Caller-ID, he now knows where we are. He's clearly not mentally sound. I would never have allowed Daughter to pursue this contact in a way that revealed our location.

Daughter is very emotional. She was already dealing with the normal teenage angst – boyfriend break-up, senior year academic pressure, not having a direction mapped out for her life/career, etc. The last thing she needed was some mentally unbalanced old man clinging to her.

I suspect you heard or read some psychological theory claiming that children who had no contact with a biological parent were more statistically prone to problems. I WAS an adopted child. I AM one of those children who never knew her biological parents. I'm not basing my decisions regarding these issues on theories. Daughter was raised by two loving parents. She has no memory of ever having lived with Bio-Dad. She was an infant when he left us. I understand her curiosity and need to discover her roots. I also understand, better than you do, the risks involved. You did not allow me to attempt to shield her - or the rest of us - from those risks. You have no idea the trouble you have caused. While I'm sure you had the best of intentions, this situation was not yours to manipulate. You acted without complete information to pursue a course of action that was not your decision to make. You've caused issues you now have the luxury of ignoring from 1,000 miles away, while I'm here dealing with a situation I would never have allowed to happen had I been involved. I'm Daughter's mother. I SHOULD have been involved. What you did was wrong and incredibly harmful.