The Five Stages

Commonly referred to as "The Five Stages of Grief", these steps actually correspond to the emotional roller coaster we experience in connection with any tramatic event. They are as follows:

#1 - DENIAL:
"This is no big deal. I'll get another job quickly. I'll get an even better job. I don't need to worry or change my plans. Everything is going to be just fine."

#2 - ANGER:
"This shouldn't be happening to me. It's so unfair. I hate my life."

#3 - BARGAINING:
"Okay, God...what do you want from me? I'll do whatever it takes to fix this situation. As a show of good faith, I'm giving up alcohol until I'm back on my feet. Under the circumstances, I shouldn't be spending money on unnecessary luxuries anyway."

#4 - DEPRESSION:
There are no quotes to use to illustrate this stage. It mostly involves laying around on the couch and crying a lot.

#5 - ACCEPTANCE:
"This situation sucks and it's never going to get better. Why should I waste time struggling, worrying and making fruitless and vain efforts to try to improve things. It's hopeless. Hell...I may as well drink."

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Yesterday began, as it always does, with checking my email, hoping for some job news. Instead, I got an email from the real estate website, telling me the house I wanted to buy had sold. Mentally, this did not come as a surprise. It was a great house in an upscale neighborhood with water views and lake access. It was seriously underpriced and had been on the market for over nine months. It was bound to sell long before I could get a job and rebound financially. It was none-the-less devastating...which also didn't come as a surprise. As much as I tried to convince myself of the reality I clearly recognized in my head, my heart was refusing to entirely give up the dream of living less than 10 minutes from Paul in a house where we could go kayaking, plant a vegetable garden and feel at home in a place where neither of our exes had ever lived.

That dream is dead.

Monster.com has been acting up lately, perhaps due to recent mergers with other job sites. I was frustrated over and over again yesterday, trying to apply for jobs and having the system crash before I completed the process.

I spent a lot of time in Stage #4 yesterday.

By late in the day, I'd begun to accept that I was not going to move. I stopped even looking for jobs close to Paul's house and concentrated on jobs withing a reasonable commute from my current house. Maybe it was all a foolish idea anyway. It certainly didn't make sense financially. From an economic point of view, I'm better off to stay put until Paul and I can get married and buy one place together...even if that takes another 4-5 years.

Tuesday nights are date nights. I normally drive to Paul's on Tuesday nights. Last night, I wasn't feeling sociable and knew I'd only be bad company. I didn't think I could handle putting on a happy face. I just didn't have the energy. So I drove to the liquor store and spent way too much money on a bottle of Bailey's. Last time I drank that stuff, I found myself laughing at absolutely nothing after finishing the second glass. Laughing for no reason struck me as so comical, that I had to laugh at myself. Last night, I wanted to drink myself silly.

Before I'd gotten far into my first glass, I got a call from the manager at a company where I'd interviewed but not gotten the job. She said she was so impressed with me and felt I was such a good fit for her department, she was trying to find another position for me. She didn't give me a whole lot of hope that a position would soon become available, but the ego stroking is exactly what I needed. The timing could not have been better.

After the phone call, I called Paul and asked if I could still drive up to see him, even though I wouldn't get there until about 8:00. (He'd had to be at work at 5AM that day, and I knew he'd be falling asleep by 8:30.) He decided to take the day off today, so we could spend the day together. It forced me to take a day off the frustrating and depressing job hunt, which was also something I needed.

I'm doing a lot better today. Maybe it was the ego boosting phone call. Maybe it was spending the day with the love of my life. Maybe it had a little to do with kicking that bottle of Bailey's. Maybe it was a combination of all three.

Tomorrow I'll dive back into the job search madness. Today, I took the day off. Even the unemployed need a day off when the stress gets unbearable.

ADDED HEARTBREAK:
My son who has been stateside in the army for the past four years just called to say he's being sent to Germany. He doesn't know what his job will be there or if that is his final destination or merely the origination for deployment elsewhere. I hope he will STAY in Germany. If so, it would be an interesting adventure for a 22-year-old boy. Even so, he will miss coming home for his birthday for the first time since his original enlistment. His 22nd birthday is in late August. He's due in Germany by early July. He's hoping to be able to take a leave before shipping out. I don't know when we'll get to see him again once he leaves to Europe.