Disappearing blogger

We have all experienced it:
You visit a blog site, you gain some insight into someone else's life and in some small way, you grow to care about what happens to that person. And then, after a while, you begin to visit and realize nothing ever changes. It's the same thing...day after day. What happened? Is he ill? Did she go on another cruise? Has some horrible tragedy struck?

I'm finding it increasingly difficult to find time to log on. There is no horrible tragedy - quite the contrary. My life is quite full of good things. Those things just seem to take up so much time. I didn't get home from work until after 6:00 tonight. I made dinner and did a few chores, and Paul called. I had to hang up with him when my sister called. I'd barely ended that conversation when my son called. Finally I had to call Paul back. Now it's 9PM and I feel like I've gotten nothing done!

I made a decision this past weekend. In the spring, I'm going to sell my house. It will be emotional for me. I bought this place three years ago and it is the first home I've ever owned by myself. I found some photos over the weekend - photos from the first time my sister and nephew visited me for Christmas. It was only a couple of months after we moved into the house and we hadn't replaced the carpet or vinyl floor. We hadn't stripped the wallpaper or painted. We hadn't replaced the kitchen cabinets or painted the awful dark brown paneling, doors or trim. The house looked entirely different in those photos. It made me regret not having specifically taken "before" photos of the house prior to beginning the updating. I live in a very different home than the one I bought - and I love my house, I really do. But it is 43 miles from my door to Paul's. That's a one hour drive. Anytime we want to see each other, it requires one of us to do TWO HOURS of driving. It's not like we can just stop by to watch a movie after work. To visit for just three hours - dinner and a movie at home - requires five hours including travel time. We generally only see each other twice a week - Wednesday nights and one day on the weekend. Since I have my 12-year old son Thursday afternoons through Sunday mornings, the weekend is family time. Last Saturday Paul and my son worked on my roof, fixing my leaky chimney, while I worked in the yard (pulling weeds that turned out to be poison ivy - but that's another story). The distance is growing increasingly difficult to tolerate. It is nearly impossible for two people to have a relationship under these conditions.

We can't live together. I won't do that without being married. It's not that I have moral issues with cohabitating in general - only when children are involved. I think it's unfair to put kids in that situation. It sets a less-than-ideal example and it forces them into an awkward position. How is he supposed to identify to his friends that guy who lives with his mom? And how long is that guy going to be around anyway?

We can't get married. Paul lives with his kids, both in their 20s, both with a year to a year-and-a-half left of college or graduate school. Realistically, they are likely to be living at home for at least a few more years. That would make us a family of SIX! Where would we live? Even if money were no object, it doesn't make sense to buy a house to accommodate six people, when that house will be way too large in only a few short years.

My oldest is in the service and out of the house. My other two kids are 12 and 18. Neither of them will soon be ready to leave home, especially the 12-year-old. The kids who are approaching the leaving-the-nest age are both Paul's. The issue of when they might move out was threatening to become a touchy subject. Paul and I are both growing increasingly bothered by the long-distance issues, however I don't want it to appear that I wish his children would get out of the house. I don't want him to feel stuck in the middle. I don't want the kids to feel like they're interfering with our lives. And I don't like having the direction my future entirely dependent upon the decisions of someone else.

So I've decided to move. I'll spend the next year doing those little things around the house that might help make it appear more appealing (and valuable) to a buyer and list it in April or May. The spring/summer is the best time to sell because, as an obsessed amateur landscaper, my yard looks best during those months and could serve as my most appealing selling point. I've checked house prices and I can replace my house with a similar one in Paul's area for about the same amount of money. I'm hoping the move will reduce my stress level and add some time back into my day.

So...I apologize for being one of those horrible absentee bloggers. I haven't posted. I haven't visited. I've tried to at least email a few of you. I ABSOLUTELY do think of you - honestly. I'm just out of balance lately.