Things are bad...

I still don't know what the army has in store for my son. After four years stationed in the US, he's been told he has to report to a base in Germany by July 10. His commanding officer has no information concerning his unit or assignment and my son is concerned that Germany may be only a stopping off point on the way to Iraq. He hopes to have more information by next week. However, each time he expects to receive more information, they tell him they still don't know anything more. I'm worried.

When my son finished high school, his father and I pushed him to DO something. Go to college or trade school, get a full-time job (with benefits), join the military... My son, never an enthusiastic student, was an easy target for the sweet-talking army recruiter and he signed up before reaching his 18th birthday. Up until now, it's been a good thing for him. But, if he's sent somewhere dangerous and is hurt or killed, I will never forgive myself for encouraging his decision to enlist.

Paul's company has provided him with regularly scheduled physicals and chest x-rays since his exposure to asbestos 20-25 years ago. Recent x-rays revealed two spots on his lungs. It will take further tests to determine for certain the origin of those spots...tests he will likely not get for another week or so. Health issues resulting from asbestos exposure generally show up 20-25 years later. That puts this ominous x-ray right on schedule. As far as I can tell, the spots can turn out to be nothing, or they can turn out to be cancer.


I'm 47-years-old and I've experienced a life-time of especially bad relationship choices. I tend to choose people who NEED me, or people who I view as better than me. Then I work to fill the need or to change myself to more adequately fill the role of whatever my boyfriend/husband considers his ideal. For the first time in my life, I'm involved with someone who really loves me...for me. He doesn't want me to take care of him. He doesn't want me to change. He just wants to make me happy. In the nearly two years we've been together, he's never stopped bringing me flowers, telling me he loves me, sending me sappy cards or calling me several times a day. I've never felt so happy, content and secure.

Paul's brother and sister both died young, from totally unrelated medical problems. He is his parents' only living child. How can God threaten to take him from them?

I can't even force myself to envision my life without Paul. I can't imagine how I could live without him.

I know I just started blogging again, but I'll probably be off-line for a while, until some of these issues are sorted out. Suddenly my financial instability seems like a minor problem. I'm in danger of losing two of the people I love most in the world. I'd gladly die to save either one of them, but I know I won't be given that choice.