Is it really fair to whine??
I apologize to those of you who read VegasGustan's blog, as I posted most of this in his comments recently. He'd written a post about an exchange he had with an overweight co-worker. This woman apparently complains constantly about her weight problem, blaming it for all the misfortune in her life. She claims to be trying to get it under control, but VG observed that her claims seemed to be nothing more than talk. He felt that she should stop whining about the problem if she wasn't willing to make an effort to improve the situation.I was going to post a comment agreeing with this assessment, but read some other comments which made me pause. My second guessing was prompted by commenters who wrote that over-eating is an emotional issue and that we were failing to recognize the pain beneath the pounds. Thinking, "Crap, if you're unhappy with the way you look, DO something about it besides whine!" might be over-simplifying. I don't know.
I'm in my mid-40s and have had three children. Obviously I've had times during my life when I've had excess pounds which I needed to shed. But my weight has never been a constant battle for me. I'm lucky in that I can generally eat when I want and not suffer particularly adverse consequences. When I need to shed some excess weight, I can generally do it pretty quickly. Everyone who knows me knows that I will diet and exercise like crazy for about two months before I go on one of my cruise vacations. (I'll be seen in a BATHING SUIT!!) Maybe I'm not really in a position to relate to someone for whom weight is a constant struggle.
Currently, I'm tremendously burned out at work. I was over-worked and behind before two out of five department members went out on extended medical leave. For the past three months, it's been sheer hell. I'm so far behind, I can't see how I'll ever catch up. What's worse, I seem incapable of getting my ass in gear. I waste too much time, I day dream, I zone out. I hate that. While I'm not sure I could ever get entirely caught up, I could make my life easier by really buckling down and pushing myself to move stuff off my plate, rather than just reacting to the most squeaky wheel. But I have no motivation. I can't focus because I'm so overwhelmed. I can't figure out how to prioritize everything and I'm too stressed thinking that it's more than I can handle. As a result, I become practically worthless. Maybe I have no right to bitch about something I'm contributing to...but I seem unable to do what I know I have to do. My brain is just too fried. I'm too over-loaded. I think I've blown a fuse. I've short-circuited!Is that a reasonable comparison?? I don't know. But maybe we all contribute to our own problems to some extent. And maybe it's not as easy to stop doing that as it appears.
posted by WordWhiz at 10/20/2005
6 Comments:
I know that feeling, but I have nothing to blame it on. I'm just stuck in a rut and feel helpless to get myself out of it. I hate that. That's not me. But I don't know what to do to make it better.
10:19 PM
Yeah, I think everybody DOES contribute to his or her own problems for the most part.
I guess I look at the overweight issue differently than some issues too as far as whining goes. I do believe that a person has only so many "I'd like to whine on this topic" card before he or she is required to shut up and do something about it. Alternatively, just shutting up works. However, that being said, I've noticed that an inability to function and get going and change things that a person WANTS to change often has other roots. So, without addressing those roots, what can be done? Typically? Nothing.
For instance, if depression is actually the "root cause" of the weight gain, then the woman will have a hard time getting together the energy and focus needed to diet and exercise. Depression would leave her unable to "force" herself to do much. She'd be too busy feeling like she was walking through thirteen tons of gooey quicksand. Or look at it this way: if you don't exercise, you have no energy. The best way to get energy is to make time to exercise...which you don't feel you can do because you're not exercising and don't have the energy. Sometimes there's a vicious cycle underneath it all.
I hate whining, and I don't tolerate repetative whining well. That being said, if I had a friend who whined, I'd probably try to look at WHY the whining took place and see if I could help him or her get out of the slump and move on. You never know. The person just might not be able to do it on her own! (and I'm with you on the chicken running around with its head cut off syndrome right now! And you know it! AAAHHHH! Hey, at least Christmas break this year for the school is four weeks, so if I can get my grading in right away-hahahaha!--I'll have four weeks of being able to get caught up!)
6:23 AM
Would they really fire you if you pointed out the problem? Figure out how much you CAN do, then tell the boss(es) how much is going to get undone. This is totally unfair to you.
As a capper, tell them you think you have some medical leave coming, and will be starting it tomorrow.
11:13 AM
I hear ya' WW. It's so easy for us to come up with a quick assessment, especially when it's not trouble for us. The problem is that the overweight coworker is dealing with other issues, but she's pushing people away with her tactics. And no one is taking the time to say, "Well, let's talk about it more in depth and see what's going on, because these repeated complaints don't really bring out the compassion." No one tells her straight up what they're thinking and she's not talking about the other issues. No one is getting what they really want because we so easily keep it to ourselves. It's weird what we learn.
I really appreciate that you wrote this from a very compassionate perspective.
I wish you luck with work (and I know what you mean about zoning out...we are all our own worst enemies).
5:23 PM
no patience with whiners anymore. sorry. ^j^
7:24 PM
I do find it hard to feel sympathy for people who constantly complain about a problem but don't do anything about it.
You are right, I think, that to some degree we all contribute to our own problems. We also contribute to our own successes.
Regarding the weight issue specifically, I see people at work who say they are on a diet all the time, but never see any results. Dieting successfully takes time and willpower and enough self esteem to believe you can do it. Circumstances may get the better of a person, but I think most people have it within their power to make positive changes, as long as they are willing to have patience. It is true that there may be underlying issues that get in the way. The solution is to deal with those issues too.
1:49 AM
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