It's all about ME
My blogger friend, Bandit, has a new tag line on his blog which reads:
"Breaking the addiction of abusive relationships."
It's a good tag line. It got me thinking.
(Kira, we've already gone done this road so feel free to zone out here...)
I seem to have spent most of my life in relationships with men for whom nothing in the world was so important as is own wants and needs. While we still maintain a friendship, I have to admit that my ex-husband was by far the worst in this regard. (Still is!) The world revolves around him. A symptom of this dominating attitude is a fiercely competitive nature. This desire to WIN will sometimes create the illusion that the I-LOVE-ME type actually has a heart. My ex is a smart guy - a college professor with a PhD from Hof's favorite ivy-league university. He knows how to get what he wants by using his smarts. But any hint of charming self-deprecation or glimmer of affectionate generosity is purely fictitious. It's just a show, a step in the game plan. In reality, it is always about securing what he wants or needs. Everyone and everything else comes second.
Paul (my current beau, in case you're new here), is an electrician for a large industrial plant. His work frequently involves climbing, lifting and stretching. As a result, he has recurring back problems. I knew something was wrong when I spoke to him last night, but I thought he was just really tired from the trip. In reality, he was in serious pain. Nonetheless, he drove an hour to my house to fix my heat. I would never have allowed him to come if I'd known he was in pain. I'm sure that's why he didn't tell me.
I talked to him today and begged him to take better care of himself. "Take a sick day. Rest your back." I told him that he needed to stop worrying about everyone else and take care of himself. He didn't have to do everything and what he did do didn't need to be perfect! I told him that I didn't want him to be in pain. His response? "I have to be me."
Good God...how I love that guy!
posted by WordWhiz at 11/16/2005
10 Comments:
Thanks for the support and the shout out Whiz. Your comment on mine got me thinking also.
I think that right now, that is indeed my biggest challenge. How do I go ahead and break this pattern? I am trying to connect the dots through my relationships right now.
What were the common threads and what do I need to learn to get to the next step? Someday I will find out.
Glad that you have found some love and have that kind of a good relationship. It's important and to be cherished.
11:06 PM
Aw, I'm not going to zone out when I know if I read on, there's a happy ending! :)
Alex does the same thing...he has chronic back issues and won't tell me he's been aching all day until AFTER he carts up all of our bags to his apartment and AFTER he gives the kids a ride on his shoulders. It's so wierd to go from somebody who is rather self-centered to somebody whose sole joy seems to be making the lives of those he loves easier.
It's a good different, and I like it!
5:27 AM
Are you sure that his sore back is not from an overly "frolicsome" weekend? (Just kidding, of course.)
8:34 AM
It must be such a breath of fresh air to be in a relationship where you feel cared for. Congrats for you two!
10:34 AM
Ah men. Ya can't do anything with them....but they are just so cute!
2:52 PM
"Being me" doesn't preclude a trip to the doctor, though. Back problems can go on forever. Please tell him I said go see M.D. He know I know everything, so I expect he wiil agree.
2:52 PM
Hoss: Believe me, I've tried!! I had disk problems about 8-9 years ago and had the surgery to remove the offending disk. I have a tiny 1/2" scar and was only in the hospital for 24 hours. My back has not given me problems since. Before the surgery, I looked like Igor, all hunched over and walking crooked. Paul insists it's only muscular, but I know from the symptoms he's describing that it's not. "No time" for physical therapy. Won't undergo surgery on his back. (I understand it's scary - people envision being paralyzed by a slip of the knife.) He won't listen and I'm not in a position to force him to go. I can only nag.
4:17 PM
Tom: You're welcome! It is good to feel cared about. Good luck with your 12-step program!
Kira: We found a couple of good ones, didn't we. I bet there aren't many left now that we've snagged the best ones!
BF: Gee, I hope not!!
A/C: Thanks!!
Paige: I finally found one who is actually GOOD for me!! Imagine that!!
Hoss: Responded earlier. I've missed you!!
6:04 PM
He sounds totally great. I'm glad you found such a good one. Now, what Hoss said. Make him get a doctor!
10:17 PM
A few years ago i was hit by a car and injured my back this caused me so much pain it was ruining my life and then i tried one of those mattresses that mould to your body shape and adjust to your weight and i slept great for the first time in months and woke with no pain at all! You should try it!
9:40 AM
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