I give up!

On Monday morning, at 8:15, I had the torture device removed. I did what they asked. I gave it six months. I wanted it gone!!

For some women, the Minera 5-year IUD may be a great solution to the issue of birth control. For me, it was a nightmare. Oh how I wish I'd never heard the negative publicity about the patch!

On the plus side, I saw a doctor I'd never seen before at my group OB/GYN practice. He has a small sign posted on the wall of the examining room. It states that the physician finds that humor can help alleviate some of the awkwardness inherent in a visit to the gynecologist, but to let him know if you find humor under the circumstances inappropriate or "unfunny." For me, it was just what the doctor ordered. (Ooh...that was bad!) I was fearful that the removal of the device would be at least as painful as the insertion and was not exactly looking forward to the experience. Having a doctor casually joke and pick on me was distracting and relaxing.

Explaining my issues with the sadistic contraption, I grabbed the roll which has formed in my belly and told him that I didn't used to have that. "Before you were 40, you mean?" I glared at him. "Before I had this awful thing stuck in me," I countered. "This same thing happened to me on the deprovera shots. I want a form of birth control that doesn't make me look like I'm five months pregnant." Looking entirely serious he said, "If it ever reaches the point where you're so depressed about your figure that you're contemplating suicide, but you just can't bring yourself to commit the act, come into the office. Sit in the waiting room all day and complain to every woman who walks in here about how fat you are. They will stone you to death." Was that a compliment?? I think so...sort of. He went on to say that if I needed to use birth control, there was obviously someone out there who was not repulsed by my expanding middle. (That may be true, however that someone is not me!)

I explained that I bled all the time. He tried to counter with, "In time...." I interrupted, saying that I'd given it six months and I wasn't giving it a day longer. Sure my periods were light, but they lasted for two weeks! In-between, I'd pass small amounts of blood nearly all the time. He agreed that he could see how that might become annoying.

The removal process was not painful. I felt some moderate pain when he grabbed hold of the device and closed my eyes to brace for the worst. He said, "Are you ready?" I confirmed I was. He replied, "Well, you have to open your eyes first." Yeah, you guessed it, it was already over.

He joked that leaving the speculum in place would provide some pretty effective birth control. I declined to be the test case for his theory.

The patch (too risky, they say, given my advancing years) and the IUD having been eliminated, my options were dwindling. The pills (too hard to remember - did I mention my advancing years?) and the ring (yeah, it was new to me too) seemed to be my only options. The stand-up comedian between the stirrups wasn't quick to offer a recommendation, so I opted for the mysterious ring. I'm having my doubts about it already. I won't get into it here - at least not right now - because I'm sure my male readers are sick of all these "For Women Only" posts on birth control. Suffice it to say that Paul may eventually have to face his fear of surgical procedures because I'm running out of options.

(And those options are all expensive!! Even with insurance, we're talking $30/month! That's outrageous!)

Rant over.

So...how was your day?